One Change that Works to Make You More Relaxed, Happier, and Aware

Does your phone help you relax?  A lot of people think so.  We turn to our phones for news, entertainment, connection, and relaxation.  All good things.  But there's evidence that excessive phone use makes us more impatient, more irritable, and less present for the real people and events in our lives.

What qualifies as "excessive" use?  Well, studies show that Americans access their phones up to 200 times every day.  That's once every five minutes or so, every hour that we're awake.  Do you think that's excessive?

Maybe every time you pick it up there's something that requires your action and input.  A text, email, notification, or something that indicates you're sought-after, productive, and useful.  Answering these siren calls gives you dopamine hits that you might not always get in the course of a normal day – dopamine hits that are addictive and make you crave even more.

Dealing with compromised impulse control

Do you ever pay attention to how much time you spend on your phone?  The amount might surprise or even embarrass you.  It signifies a gap between the independent, aware person you want to be and who you actually are.

Notice what happens when you're interrupted mid-scroll.  Do you feel irritation?  Does your voice (if you respond at all) sound brusque and impatient?  And is this tendency a character flaw, or something else?

Research shows that when we're stressed, the pull of a phone is very strong.  Impulse control is the job of the frontal lobe, and that part of the brain is weaker when we're tired or overwhelmed.  In fact, declines in estrogen and testosterone (normal results of aging) can exacerbate the issue.  Dropping hormone levels can reduce emotional reserves, leading to moodiness and mental fatigue.  We become more reward-seeking, and anything that offers a hit of dopamine can be harder to resist.

We may promise ourselves to limit phone use, then break our own rules.  Maybe we should stop relying on willpower and use an app to block social media or email during certain times, or to allow limited periods of access (such as 15 minutes after breakfast and dinner).  Even if we must do something for work, maybe we should use a computer, which requires more effort, making it intentional rather than reflexive.  I've found that putting my phone in grayscale mode makes most things less appealing.

What results can you expect from bypassing this impulse?  More calm and better focus, for sure.  But without notifications and algorithms clamoring for my attention, I also have a chance to be bored.  We lose something when we don't have those moments of downtime with nothing that "needs" to be done.  We lose the opportunity to dig deeper and rely on our own thoughts and ideas.  There's no time for us to imagine or daydream, because we're so quick to turn to our phones for stimulation.

You can also expect less friction in your relationships.  My husband and I have sometimes spent entire meals sitting at the same table, each on our own phone, maybe even becoming a bit testy when the other interrupted.  Without the phone as a distraction, we're available to each other.  We talk more, and give each other undivided attention, which is the most valuable thing you can give anyone.

When my grandsons are around, if I'm not constantly "checking something" on my phone, I talk and listen to them more, build Legos or do a craft with them.  I spend more time reading aloud, like I did when my children were at home (long before the advent of smartphones).  I'm also modeling behavior I want to see them emulate once they're a bit older and have their own phones.  When I imagine them disappearing into a digital world, it becomes even clearer to me that phone use must remain confined to small blocks of time, not the constant default option.

Do you want your closest relationships to be tender and full of confidences and details?  Then please, please put away your phone.

23 healthy dopamine boosters

Meanwhile, our brains and bodies still need dopamine.  It motivates us, helps manage blood flow and digestion, aids learning and memory, and even promotes healthy sleep and controlled movement.  

Novelty and reward are dopamine triggers, which is why buying something new can give you a rush.  It's why scrolling, clicking, and liking are so addictive.  Gambling too.  Alcohol, nicotine, and drugs (including sugar) will cause massive spikes.

But there are much healthier ways to get the dopamine our brains crave.  These activities and substances are beneficial in other ways, too.

1. physical exercise
2. quality sleep
3. sunlight
4. mindfulness/meditation
5. listening to music
6. playing an instrument and/or singing
7. completing a task, especially if you also check it off a list
8. physical touch (hugs, cuddles, massage, sex)
9. working at a creative project
10. interacting with a pet
11. reading a good book
12. enjoying a cup of coffee or tea
13. having a conversation
14. savoring a piece of dark chocolate (at least 70% cacao)
15. feeling awe and wonder (go into a forest, to the seashore, look up at the sky, gaze at a mountain, etc.)
16. eating foods rich in tyrosine (a building block of dopamine), such as meats, poultry, fish, dairy, eggs; also chickpeas, lentils, pumpkin seeds, firm tofu, wild rice
17. filling in a crossword puzzle
18. turning a task into a game (for example, set a timer and see how fast you can do it)
19. laughing, especially if you do it with others
20. relating to your kids (cuddling, talking, reading to them, playing a game, etc.)
21. noticing something you're grateful for and expressing your thanks
22. visiting a place that inspires you (art museum, historic site, cathedral, sports arena, etc.)
23. doing something kind or helpful for someone else

Just reading this list is enjoyable, don't you agree?  It think these are more pleasurable activities than anything I might do on my phone.  The next time I want to relax, forget the phone!  These ideas are better.