Maximum Gratitude, Minimal Stuff

As a young singer and actress, I was always in competition with someone.  After all, only one person can get the star solo.  Only one person can get the leading role.  Maybe only one person can get the scholarship or the coveted spot in a graduate program. Viewing life as a competition made me work hard and practice longer.  It made me very attentive to the details and nuances of music and literature.  It made me stay on course despite obstacles.  I've gained many benefits from my abilities to learn, concentrate, and persevere, and I'm thankful I learned those skills at a young age. But a competitive life also stole a lot of joy I should have gained from my art.  It made me selfish and critical – of others, but especially of myself.  It made me cliquish as it narrowed my circle of friends.  And at times, it made me feel worthless when I didn't achieve the success for which I had worked so hard. On the same team There's a better way to live, a...

Dear readers, there is a power in each one of us that we must not abandon or fail to use.  It's our conscience, our sense of decency, morality, and kindness that most people in the world share. The president of my country has taken us to war – without our consent, and with rude disregard for both the spirit and the letter of our constitution. But it's worse than that.  It's worse than the damage to infrastructure and shipping that will lead to an oil crisis, not just here in the U.S. or in Europe, but in China, India, South Korea, Japan, and other eastern nations.  It's worse than the possibility of global recession. Absolutely not a game The words and actions of the leaders of my country have alienated our long-time allies and made us hated around the world.  It's horrifying to realize that we may deserve this. While Iranian families were burying their children, the White House posted a spliced video of American football players tackling each other alongside foota...

I admit it – I can be self-centered.  Demanding.  Judgmental. And that's with people I care about, or at least those with whom I have no quarrel. But enemies?  People who have let me down, or even hurt me?  People I don't get along with, or (for whatever reason) just don't like?  Most of the time I try to avoid those people.  I try not to think about them.  I certainly don't do anything to improve the situation. Yet, shockingly, as a Christian I should be very different.  Jesus actually taught – and lived – that we should love our enemies.  Pray for them. "If you love those who love you," he said, "why should you be rewarded?  And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others?  Do not even pagans do that?"  (Matthew 5:46-47) It sounds crazy and impossible.  However, there is absolutely no chance for peace anywhere unless we at least attempt it. Human nature It's natural for us to pray for people ...

If I could save time in a bottle, The first thing that I'd like to do Is to save every day 'Til eternity passes away Just to spend them with you. If I could make days last forever, If words could make wishes come true, I'd save every day Like a treasure, and then Again, I would spend them with you. This Jim Croce hit is nostalgic for me.  It was the theme for my long-ago high school Senior Ball!  But the words are more poignant because Croce died in a plane crash at age 30.  "Time in a Bottle" became a #1 hit after his death, not least because the lyrics deal with mortality and the wish to have more time – a wish underlined by the shortness of Croce's life. Never enough time The chorus of the song continues:  "But there never seems to be enough time/To do the things you want to do, once you find them."  Probably as long as human beings have been around, we've had the sense that life is too short, that we will never have enough time to achieve all...

Our culture has the wrong idea about happiness.  It seems to say that happiness comes from success – financial, professional, etc.  Achieving more money, more possessions, more travel, a promotion, an athletic record, or even a high GPA or SAT score is supposed to make us happy and satisfied.  Yet more often, meeting one goal seems to spawn two or three more, and we never stop chasing the next high. There's been a lot of research on happiness, especially in the past 20 to 30 years, and what we've learned is that reaching the typical milestones of success doesn't make us happy, at least not for long.  The new house or car, the big raise, even getting into the college of our dreams doesn't make much difference in our overall level of happiness, and can sometimes make us less happy – for example, if the extra costs of a larger house or fancier vehicle outweigh the enjoyment they give, if a promotion makes our work days longer and more stressful, or if the hyper-competi...

Have you heard of the Five Love Languages ?  It's a concept that's been around for more than 30 years, ever since pastor and marriage counselor Gary Chapman wrote a book about it. I'm not going to debunk the idea, since many people have found that it helps them understand and relate to their loved ones.  I do think it's important to note that all of us give and receive love in multiple ways.  Maybe the important takeaway from the Five Love Languages concept is that love is expressed by spending time and paying attention, saying kind and uplifting words, sharing physical closeness, performing acts of service, and – sometimes – giving appropriate gifts. Love is not a transaction. What I have a problem with is the assertion that, for some people, giving and receiving gifts is the main or only way they can express love or feel loved.  I think that idea is ridiculous, and demonstrably untrue.  How many of us have known someone whose parents always showered them with...

The United States has never been a perfect nation.  For almost 250 years, we've had a dream – an ideal of equality and freedom under God.  And even though we have never really lived up to that, the dream has not only remained alive, but has inspired others around the world.  Some were people who left everything they knew and came here, hoping to build a freer life with more opportunity.  Some were nations who changed from within to create their own just and enlightened societies. We've fallen short a lot of the time, but there has still been a light that shone out and made a lot of positive difference in the world and in people's lives. Yet right now, our leaders are carrying out indiscriminate arrests of people who might be in our country illegally, claiming that they're targeting "violent offenders," even though most of those arrested have no criminal record at all.  Our President has gained political traction by claiming that immigrants have "bad genes...

Many who try to simplify their lives may find at some point that it's not the clutter that presents the biggest challenge to a peaceful, manageable life with less, but the person they live with.  Living with a packrat can be really frustrating, especially if that person is your life partner, but even if he or she is your college roommate. I get comments and emails from people who want to know how to deal with the situation. I've been trying to declutter, but my husband's/wife's/teenager's/roommate's stuff is driving me crazy!  They're not on board with my quest for a simpler life, and I'm getting frustrated.  How can I live with a packrat? If you're in this situation, decluttering by itself isn't going to add to your peace.  In fact, it might create more tension in your household.  It's important to find ways to deal with the issue. 4 ways to deal with your differences This issue isn't confined to clutter, and it affects a lot of relation...

We say it easily to strangers:  "Oh, sorry, my bad, I misunderstood you."  "Excuse me, I didn't see you.  Sorry." We say it easily to our bosses:  "Sorry, but I'm going to need an extra day for that report because of that other report you asked for.  Let me fill you in on what I have so far." We say it easily to friends for small things:  "Sorry I'm late.  I hope you didn't wait long." Some of us apologize all the time for little or unavoidable things that almost don't need an apology.  But if you're anything like me, there are other times when apologies are difficult.  That's usually when you really have something to apologize for.  When an apology is necessary in order to repair a relationship.  When the apology involves accepting blame (or part of it) for something you did or didn't do. The conditions of love With Valentine's Day around the corner, it's time to think about love, not just for romantic par...

I can't believe it's been 42 years since I met my husband.  We sat next to each other in Sunday school on a cold and rainy day, at a church I was being paid to attend.  (I had been hired to provide special music for the morning service.)  And here we are, married for over four decades, commemorating that first accidental meeting and the one – even more surprising – that occurred the next day . The basis of a long-term relationship isn't flowers or date night, as enjoyable as these are.  Author Erica Bauermeister describes these as "the equivalent of a new color painted on your walls."  And that's pleasant, maybe a little exciting, but it has nothing to do with the sturdy structure of your house. And structure is what you need for longevity. Essential building blocks So what does form a solid structure – the firm foundation, sound frame, and impermeable roof of your relationship?  It's unloading the dishwasher even though it's your partner's turn, ...

I had a very vivid dream a couple of weeks ago – I think it was a memory, although a few parts of it didn't fit with my childhood.  (For example, the house I'm remembering didn't have a fireplace.)  But much of it was real, and I awoke knowing how very blessed I was by my parents and the home they made for us. What also struck me about this holiday memory is that it doesn't feature shopping, presents, a trip, or even a purchased "experience."  It includes very simple elements, yet the sights, sounds, tastes, textures, and fragrances stick with me. As we're gearing up for Christmas, with all of our projects and plans, let's remember that many things we're spending our money and energy on might not be important in the long run.  Don't rely on gifts or even bucket list experiences to make memories.  What's important is how we make ourselves and others feel .  Maya Angelou said it best: People will forget what you said, people will forget what ...