How to Help Your Parents (or yourself) Downsize

When I helped my mom pack up and move after my father's death, she kept repeating, "I feel like I'm losing everything."  I wanted to help her feel more comfortable with the process, and not as if she had no future to look forward to.

Now that I'm a lot closer to the age Mama was then, I think I understand how she felt.  On one hand, I'm sure she appreciated the help my siblings and I offered.  She probably didn't want to deal with all the planning and decision-making on her own.  However, as a still-capable adult, it must have been hard to submit to her children's opinions about her life.

So be aware of your parents' mixed feelings.  This transition can strain family unity.  Hopefully, your parents can respect you as an adult who is trying to give the help they need.  Regardless, you must plan to respect them and their point of view as much as possible.

3 things to remember before you start

1.  Let your parents reminisce. 

This process is going to bring up memories, and it's natural for your parents to want to tell those stories.  Did you know studies show that reminiscing reduces stress?  It's a good antidote to the uncertainty, decision-making, and physical exertion you're all going through.  I can tell you from my own experience that you'll cherish your parents' stories far more than any of their belongings.  Ask questions, and listen well.

Telling stories may even keep your parents more engaged with this process.  Far from being a hindrance or a time-waster, reminiscing may help everyone be more productive.

2.  Accept their gifts.

Your parents will be saying goodbye to a lot.  Knowing that some of their cherished possessions will remain in the family may comfort them.  If they want to give you things, even things you don't like, accept at least some of them graciously.

This doesn't mean you have to keep the gift forever.  At some point, you can let it go, guilt-free and with gratitude for the ones who gave it.  But for now, see if you can be flexible and enjoy something different.  It might not be to your taste, but this gift from the heart reveals something about the giver.  Why not learn what that is?

Related article:  On Accepting Gifts with Grace and Joy

3.  Determine what's essential.

Instead of hurrying to discard things, focus on choosing what to keep.  What's most important?  Of course, your parents' ideas might be different from yours.  A seemingly insignificant trinket may really matter to them.  They may believe something is worth a lot of money, even if it really isn't.

That said, encourage them to think about actual necessities before considering their treasured keepsakes.  Start with easier decisions.

Consider working in this order: 

1.  The bathroom

Bathrooms are easy places to start because they're generally small and free of sentimental items.  My mother had no problem choosing the grooming tools and toiletries she used every day.  We agreed that her two best sets of bath towel/hand towel/wash cloth, plus a few extra hand towels and wash cloths for potential guests, was plenty.  Cloth shower curtain, one rug, soap dispenser, waste basket.  Easy.

Be gracious if your parents have some stained or threadbare items they've been hanging onto, or if their housekeeping skills aren't quite up to what they once were.  You can quietly clean things without embarrassing them.

Be ready for unexpected issues.  Mama had some expensive perfumes kept for "special occasions," which meant they were barely used, but aging out of viability.  It was hard for her to dump them.

Otherwise, the bathroom provided a quick success, and made all of us more confident about tackling the rest.

2.  The wardrobe

Try to think of this like packing for vacation.  You want quality and versatility.  It was summer, so we began with clothes Mama needed then.  She chose her favorite half dozen tops and a half dozen bottoms, mostly mix-and-match, so they could create a variety of outfits.  Four pairs of shoes with handbags, four church outfits (enough for one month without a repeat), and jewelry she liked to wear every day.  Then we did the same for winter items, adding a few warm layering pieces and her rain coat.  Then we went through her drawers and chose all the undergarments that were in good shape, and four nightgowns.

These numbers were somewhat arbitrary, but once I showed off the various outfits that could be made by mixing and matching, Mama felt she had plenty to work with.  After grabbing a few more tops "just in case," she was ready to box up and donate all the rest.  (It was a lot.)  I bought new matching hangers,* plus a closet storage cubby so she wouldn't have to crowd her new bedroom with the large dresser she had shared with my dad.  (My husband and I still use it.)  She kept her two nightstands for additional storage.

* Thank you for supporting this blog with your purchases.  When you use my links, I may earn a small commission.

3.  The kitchen

Mama had always done a lot of cooking.  She liked giving fancy dinner parties, and went all out for holidays.  However, that was in the past.  She wasn't quite ready to admit that she didn't need a kitchen outfitted to cater a four-course meal for twelve people, but most of what she owned was dusty from disuse.

When in doubt, always donate the dusty.  Don't look at each item and ask if it sparks joy or memories.  At one point it did, which is why it's cluttering your space.  Especially in the kitchen, enforce a use-it-or-lose-it guideline.

So the dishes in the dishwasher were obviously in regular use.  The pots and pans that were easy to reach were the ones that saw service.  The toaster and coffeemaker on the counter were there because they were essential.

Ultimately, the pieces Mama needed to take with her were not the special-occasion china, glassware, serving dishes, baking tools, or table linens, but the items she used to prepare her daily meals.

We sold a few things (for much less than Mama believed they'd fetch), but donated most.  Mama had the idea that others would enjoy using her things, and maybe they have.

For Christmas that year, I typed and printed Mama's favorite recipes.  Along with a few holiday-meal photos and some of her handwritten recipe cards, I put them in sheet protectors in a binder, using dividers to separate breakfast dishes, soups, salads and sides, main dishes, and desserts.  Even if she didn't prepare most of them again, she enjoyed her personal cookbook.  (We donated all of her other ones.)

4.  The living room

A living room is all about comfort.  So we started with Mama's favorite armchair, and added a side table with a drawer and a shelf to hold magazines, library books, remotes, tissues, and hand cream.  The matching loveseat, a slipper chair from her bedroom, and the coffee table made space for guests.

My brother bought Mama a flat screen TV to hang on the wall, and we chose a long, low bookcase to go under it and hold her favorite books.  (We sold the entertainment center and several other bookcases.)  How did we pare down the large book collection?  We asked about her favorite writers, and chose all the books she had by those authors (about 40).  Another dozen or so were favorites from her younger days, like Rebecca, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, and Little Women.  Once we styled the bookcase with a couple of plants and some framed photos, she was happy.

Mama wanted to keep her DVD player and complete boxed sets of a couple of favorite TV shows (this was long before streaming).  Along with PBS, the National Geographic channel, and DVDs from the library, she had plenty to watch.

Mama still enjoyed doing small watercolors, but had a lot of other art and craft supplies that hadn't been used for a while.  We gave what was still viable to a school art teacher I knew.  Then we outfitted a portable art studio on a rolling cart.  After working at the kitchen table, Mama could roll the cart back into a closet.

5.  Sentimental items and décor

Always leave this for last!  Once we'd had a lot of practice sorting through everything else, all of us were on a roll.

Many of these things are hard to part with, but remember that the emotions you feel don't depend on any physical object, but live in your heart and mind.  Here's where reminiscing is so helpful.  As Mama and I talked about her memories, she realized she didn't need every tangible memento to recall important people and events.  She could choose a few representative items and let the rest go.

Related article:  Precious Memories: How to Declutter the Stuff That's Hard to Let Go

Mama had several collections, but I suggested she keep her smallest curio cabinet and display her favorites in it.  My sister took some of the rest.  We hung a large collection of Norman Rockwell collector's plates in the living room, and some of her own paintings in her bedroom.  My brother accepted the grandfather clock.  Other things we sold or donated.

Do your parents have a million photos?  Just grab those boxes or old, probably-not-acid-free albums.  Later, you can sort through and pick the best shots, use archival cards to write notes, and arrange them in attractive, easy-to-use albums.

When you get stuck, suggest that your parents try the Marie Kondo trick of saying goodbye to things they don't need and don't have room for.  Thanking something for its service can be cathartic, even lighthearted.  Acknowledging that something was important at one time but no longer has a place honors the past without letting it control today and tomorrow.

Making small spaces livable

You don't want your parents to feel isolated or cooped up, so the location of their new place matters.  A nearby park, library, or coffee shop could be a frequent destination.  Are they close to their church?  How about grocery/drugstore shopping?  An art gallery, or somewhere else to "browse?"

Connect with the outdoors.  Remove heavy draperies that block natural light, and use embroidered semi-sheers instead.  A balcony or patio can be furnished with a tiny table and chairs, potted plants, and fairy lights or solar lanterns.

Don't forget the Pareto Principle – you use 20% of your stuff 80% of the time.  Be sure to find the 20% that really matters for quality of life.

For example, Mama had several little chests and extra chairs.  Her new, smaller place was safer, more spacious, and even more elegant without them.  There were a lot of things packed into all of those drawers, so I needed to help her release more light bulbs, Band-Aids, flashlights, and office supplies than she could ever use.

Related article:  15 Proven Tips to Make Life in a Small Home Pleasant

In conclusion

Home is more than four walls.  I'm sure you have plenty of belongings that are important to you.  There may come a day when you need to downsize, and it will be hard to give up some of those cherished belongings.

Your parents will want to replicate familiar, comforting surroundings for themselves.  Help them zero in on the items that really make a difference, whether it's a large photograph of your much-younger family, a vase they found on their honeymoon, or the mantel clock whose hourly chimes orient their days.

They may have to leave their house, but they can take their memories with them.

If you want to make the eventual process of clearing your home less of a burden for your loved ones, you need to downsize.

You may want to deal with your stuff now so the people you love don't have to do it later, but the person who's going to benefit most is you!  You get all the joy of a clutter-free, fresh start, plus:

• less stress
• less indecision
• less cleaning and dusting (and fewer allergens)
• more focus and concentration
• more energy and creativity
• more gratitude for all you have
• more time, more room, and more money for what matters most to you

Downsizing can be hard, or it can be easier.  My book, Downsize Now: The Joy of Decluttering for a Fresh Start, will give you the tools and inspiration to get the job done so you can start enjoying all the benefits.