Rethink the American Dream

My husband and I moved four times in our first four years of marriage, then bought a house and stayed there for eight years.

When we moved to a larger town for a better job, we sold our first house for about 50% more than we had originally paid for it  I thought we had done well.  But after subtracting the amount we had spent on home improvements over the years, I realized we had actually made far less on the sale.

We rented an apartment in our new town so we could get to know the area before deciding to buy another house.  Our rent was approximately the same as our previous house payment, but of course it didn't qualify as a tax deduction the way our mortgage interest had. 

Imagine my surprise when we filed taxes the next year, took the standard deduction, and realized that it wasn't that much less than our mortgage interest had been.  We had paid thousands of dollars in interest every year in order to save a few hundred dollars in taxes.

I started to wonder if owning a house was such a good investment after all.

We lived four years in that apartment, and bought a house when our children were 8 and 11 years old.  They were excited to finally stop sharing a bedroom.

Six years later, in 2007, we sold that house and made just enough to use as a down payment on a brand new, slightly larger house.  We were a bit over-extended with the new housing costs, but we figured that with cost of living raises and my new part-time job we could manage.

That was a mistake.  In 2008, not only was there no raise, there was actually a cut in pay.  And my new job was cut also.  This was not according to plan, and by the time we paid for our daughter's wedding in 2011 we had serious credit card debts and an underwater mortgage.  Millions of people were in the same situation.

Fortunately, our lender accepted a short sale in 2012, and we moved back into an apartment.

And here we are, eight years later, out of debt, with well-funded retirement accounts and reasonable rent.  Our 800-square-foot apartment more than meets our needs.

We have no plans to buy a house.

I realize that's not the American Dream.  With 80% of the US population preferring single-family home ownership, and only 8% preferring apartment or condo living, we are outside the norm.

In European countries, however, more people live in apartments than in detached houses.  My uncle has lived in Germany for decades, and he and his family have always lived in small apartments.  That's not unusual – 62% of Germans live in apartments.

My husband and I are very happy apartment dwellers.  I think that if you stop to consider the benefits, you might actually agree.

6 Reasons to Love Apartment Living

1.  Less effort

Any living space requires upkeep, but less space means less time spent cleaning and tidying.  Chores don't feel overwhelming, so it's easy to keep up with them.  Vacuuming takes less than 20 minutes, and caring for a mini garden on a balcony may be pure joy compared to mowing, watering, pruning, weeding, fertilizing, and raking an entire yard.

2.  More ease

When we owned a house, I always had a list of repairs and upgrades I wanted to make.  We were always doing something inside or out.  I was constantly thinking of new paint colors, new flooring, new landscaping, better windows, and more.  As a renter, those things aren't my responsibility, and I've learned not to be a slave to my house.

Some people love working on their house, but if that's not how you want to spend your weekends, vacations, and extra money, apartment living frees you from the obligations of home ownership.  It's not lazy, it's an intentional choice to focus on other things.

3.  Less clutter

Apartments are generally a lot smaller than houses, and that means you have a lot less space to accumulate possessions.  This forces you to be vigilant about clutter.  In a house, you might have a basement, attic, garage, or shed where you can stash things you want to keep "just in case."  In an apartment, extraneous stuff is obvious, and so you learn to edit.

4.  More connection

Unlike a house where a family might be scattered in various separate rooms, in an apartment you tend to gather together.  You might use your kitchen table for meals and also as a desk, and spend a lot of time together there.  Even if I am watching TV in the living room and my husband is reading in the bedroom, we're only about a dozen yards apart.  We have breathing space, but we're present for each other.

5.  Less conformity

Our culture tells us that the more we own, the happier we'll be.  Pursuing the American Dream means constantly raising your standard of living.  However, the 2019 World Happiness Report indicates that multiple factors determine happiness, particularly connection and generosity.

As an apartment dweller, you realize that you don't have to get caught in that work/spend cycle just because everyone else is doing it.  You're free to explore other avenues to well-being.

6.  More financial freedom

What trade-offs are you making if you decide to upgrade to granite countertops or if you need to replace your HVAC system?  If your money is always going toward home projects and repairs, then maybe you don't travel as often as you would like, or you don't buy those season tickets, or you don't pay for organic food, or you don't give as generously to causes you care about.  Apartment living lets you build your budget around what's really important to you.

Our way of life isn't for everyone, but for us a minimalist lifestyle in an 800-square-foot apartment has brought more contentment and stability than our years as homeowners.  Challenging the American Dream might be a positive choice for you too.

Photo by Alexandar Todov on Unsplash

MINIMALIST TOOL KIT: Enjoy the Simple Things

Don't get me wrong.  I love the occasional filet mignon dinner.  I enjoy live theater.  It's wonderful to stay at Glendeven Inn on the Mendocino coast.

But my tastes are actually very simple.  I sometimes think I could live on sourdough bread, cheese, red seedless grapes, and minestrone soup.  My Starbucks order is a Cafe Misto (coffee with steamed milk).  My favorite outfit is dark wash jeans and a jewel colored, three-quarter sleeve v-neck tee shirt.  I love library books, crossword puzzles, and the classical music station.  Give me a drizzly day and a wooded path and I'm in seventh heaven.

A lot of people believe that if you're not constantly striving, if you don't have an extensive bucket list, you can never be happy.  I think they've got it wrong.  If you want to be happy, you need to learn to appreciate the things around you, the things you can enjoy every day.  No one is happy who constantly fixates on what she doesn't have, while overlooking all of the good things already in her life.

For a happy life, cultivate simple tastes.

I'm not saying it's bad to have a few extravagant aspirations.  I've already admitted that I have some.  I'm not saying that it's wrong to be ambitious, to have goals.  I'm just suggesting we need to live happily every day, not just on a few high points.  What good is it to attain something if you can't savor your success?  If every achievement just makes you want to climb the next mountain, none of your accomplishments will make you happy.  If every treat just makes you want more treats, so that they become commonplace, you won't enjoy them anymore.  You won't anticipate your special experiences, and you won't pay attention to every detail when they occur.  You'll be spending more and more money, but you won't get nearly the fun that you used to get when a treat experience was rare.

I appreciate a fancy dinner or a special trip when I have those opportunities, but for day-to-day living I have simple tastes.  I suggest you do the same.

5 Benefits of a Simple Life

1.  Every day is better.

Since I have simple tastes, they're easier to fulfill on a regular basis.  If I could only be satisfied with the rarest and most exclusive, I'd either need to be very rich, deeply in debt, or constantly disappointed.

2.  Decisions are easier.

As I wrote in "Why a Uniform Might Work for You," choosing a simple, consistent wardrobe saves time, money, energy, and worry, and lets you feel free, confident, and in control.  When you cultivate simple tastes that let you enjoy an egg and toast for breakfast every morning (for example), or that make an hour of reading aloud your family's favorite evening activity, you aren't pulled in six different directions trying to decide what to do or eat or buy.  You aren't constantly second-guessing yourself.  What a relief.

3.  I'm not a slave to trends, brand names, or advertising.

All of us live in a media-saturated world.  It's hard to be completely unaware of whatever is fashionable right now.  But when I cultivate simple tastes, I don't feel deprived if I don't own the latest must-have item.  I'm satisfied continuing to use or wear what I already have, without feeling the need to run out and get something new simply for the sake of its newness and popularity.

4.  I don't need to inflate my lifestyle.

Lifestyle inflation is the tendency to increase spending on non-essentials whenever your income goes up.  Obviously, if you can barely support yourself, then a larger income that allows you to spend more would be a relief.  But if you're reading this, chances are your current lifestyle is at the very least comfortable.  When my income increases, I don't need to spend more if my tastes remain simple.  I don't need to upgrade my electronics or my car or my house if I'm happy with my refurbished iPhone, my Kia sedan, and my cozy apartment.

5.  I have the means for an occasional splurge.

If I don't spend money on expensive treats every day, then I have more money to spend when I really want something special.  I don't always remember this when I don't feel like cooking, or when Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte season arrives.  But it's really a no-brainer.  When I keep daily expenses simple, and don't fritter away money on stuff I can live without, I have the means to indulge in the things that matter to me.

I'm more grateful and contented when I keep my tastes simple.  I think you will be too.

Photo by Roman Purtov on Unsplash

A Day to Remember

It's Patriot Day in the US, the National Day of Service and Remembrance on September 11.

It's generally thought of as a day to remember the nearly 3,000 victims of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, but it's also a time to be thankful for all of the first responders who risked their lives, and the many others who pitched in to help and comfort those who were affected by the tragedy.

Today is the perfect time to volunteer for an organization that improves the lives of others, spreading kindness and offering hope.  You might also give a monetary gift to such an organization, drop off a bag of groceries at your local food closet (or some food and treats at the animal shelter), or simply pick up garbage in your neighborhood or the park.

Today is also a good time to write one or more thank you notes to the people who have made your life better.  Your parents, grandparents, pastor, or a friend would love to hear from you.  If you have children, I know their teachers would appreciate a note of thanks.  An appreciative text message or social media post would undoubtedly make someone's day.

It's fire season in California, and firefighters all over the state are battling blazes.  Remember them, and pray for their safety.

Wear your face mask, and be sure to thank the grocery clerk, bank teller, delivery person, or barista who serves you and wears a mask all day every day for your safety.

We're all busy, and we all have a lot of other things to do today.  But a life of maximum gratitude and minimal stuff means we can always take time to appreciate all of our blessings.  We never have to wait for a designated holiday to give thanks or do a kindness for someone else – it is always appropriate.

Just a reminder to you (and myself!) that a life of gratitude is the path to happiness and contentment.

Thank you for reading.

Thank you to Wilhelm Gunkel for sharing this photo on Unsplash.

Why a Uniform Might Work for You

Say a man wears a navy or charcoal suit with a white dress shirt every day.  The only change he makes is his tie.  Former President Obama did this, explaining, "I'm trying to pare down decisions.  I don't want to make decisions about what I'm eating or wearing because I have too many other decisions to make."  To which almost everyone said, "Cool.  That makes sense."  When Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg wears jeans, a gray tee shirt, and a gray hoodie every day, or any other man wears Levi's and a white Oxford button-down as a daily uniform, people either make no comment, or decide that the look is "iconic" and makes a lot of sense for a busy, important man.

However, if a woman wears a signature outfit every day, most people write her off as unstylish and/or unfeminine.  People wonder if she's letting herself go.  When Hillary Clinton went through a period of wearing dark pant suits (the closest parallel to the outfits of her male counterparts), she was labeled "dowdy" and "boring."  Michelle Obama is constantly praised for her style savvy, as if that's the only thing she has going for her.

It's really a double standard.

While it might be fairly common for men to wear variations on the same outfit every day, for women it is harder to achieve the same kind of wardrobe simplicity.  As Susan Sorokanich, a 60ish interior decorator explains, "You need to have a lot of self-confidence in your choices."  She wears a black boat neck shirt with three-quarter sleeves and slim-fitting blue jeans, adding jewelry or a scarf for variety (much like a man who owns several snazzy ties to go with his navy suits).  She'll don denim shorts if she's gardening, and black trousers if she's meeting a new client or going out for dinner.  "I don't waste any time shopping for clothes or deciding what to wear every day," says Sorokanich, who's been dressing this way for nearly 20 years.  "It's been so incredibly liberating."

Women do feel social pressure to wear different outfits every day.  Every time I've written about a capsule wardrobe, I've talked about ways to accomplish that even with a small number of clothes.  And maybe the socialite or royal doesn't dare wear the same thing twice.  They probably need wardrobe mistresses and on-call couturiers.  But the rest of us aren't on display.

What would happen if a woman pared her wardrobe to a single outfit (with multiple copies, of course, so that she always has clean clothes)?  Would it actually streamline her mornings?  Would people notice and think she wasn't professional?  Would it get boring?

It turns out that most women who experiment with a uniform find it a pleasant experience.  Stephanie Mehta, editor-in-chief at Fast Company, found that her outfit of a black turtleneck with a black skirt worked well for school drop-offs, on-camera TV appearances, and dinners out.  She varied lipsticks, earrings, belts, shoes, and bags for different situations.  She was surprised by the lack of reaction to her outfit, and believes that her clothes were so inconspicuous that people did not seem to remember what she wore from day to day.

Matilda Kahl, creative manager at Sony Music, chose a white silk blouse and black trousers for work (adding a black blazer if it was cold).  She enjoys wearing different color shoes – "That's my little creative channel," she says.  Kahl has noticed an increase in productivity since she stopped focusing on what to wear.

Renata Briggman, real estate agent and mother of two young children, has opted for a uniform of black trousers, white tee shirt, gray blazer, black ballet flats, a silver necklace, and a slim red belt.  On weekends she wears black jeans and a denim jacket; in the winter she wears black boots.  She used to look into her crowded closet and feel that she had nothing to wear.  Now she says, "It's saved me hours.  I get more compliments and feel more put together.  And nobody notices the uniform.  We assume that other people are paying attention to what we are wearing when they are all really more focused on their own lives."

Kate Rose, a self-described "plus-size person," says, "I've found I never had the same amount of choice in trying to find things to wear as my smaller friends....  The lifelong struggle of trying to find a way to look acceptable to the world every morning, especially as a fat person, was making me extremely unhappy."  (I can relate to this.)  When she bought multiple copies of a black dress she liked, she felt more confident about getting dressed every morning.  Ms. Rose enjoys being creative with belts, cardigans, jewelry, and hats, and reports that "wearing the same thing every day has been the single thing I have done this past year that has contributed to the satisfaction of my day-to-day life."

8 Reasons to Wear a Uniform

1. It saves time.
2. It saves money.
3. It saves emotional energy.
4. It saves mental energy and reduces decision fatigue.
5. It frees you from the tyranny of whatever color or look is currently in vogue, so you dress for yourself rather than in response to others.
6. It allows you to choose quality pieces that are just your style.
7. It gives you polish and confidence.
8. It removes the worry and distraction of what to wear so you can focus and accomplish more in other areas.

Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

The 4x4 Wardrobe

One secret to dressing stylishly and well with a smaller wardrobe is to limit colors.  This doesn't mean you need to dress all in black.  A capsule wardrobe can certainly include bright color.  The trick is to choose a base color.  A base color is a neutral that can be worn with many other hues, such as black, brown, navy, khaki, gray, or denim.  This is the color you want to use for trousers, skirts, jackets, cardigans, suits, and dresses that you wear over and over.

Look in your closet and pull out the trousers, skirts, suits, or cardigans and jackets that you wear most often and feel most comfortable and attractive in.  Do they share any colors in common?  Many of us gravitate toward one or two base/neutral colors.  One person might find that she consistently likes and chooses black and charcoal for trousers and jackets; another person naturally chooses navy, while a third gravitates toward shades of brown.  I like black and dark wash denim.

The color(s) that we like to put on below the waist, or wear as a jacket over trousers and a shirt, or over a skirt and a blouse, make the perfect base color(s) for a capsule wardrobe.  More than that, this color guides our choice of shoes, belts, and bags.  If you consistently choose gray skirts and suits, for example, you don't need brown shoes.

Do you already own two bottoms and two tops in a favorite base color?  Perhaps you have black trousers, a black skirt, a black jacket or cardigan, and a black and white striped shirt.  You can combine these four items into four outfits:

• trousers + shirt
• trousers + shirt + cardigan (or jacket)
• skirt + shirt
• skirt + shirt + cardigan

These pieces by themselves are not very exciting, and that shirt is certainly going to be over-worn, but they constitute the first four pieces of a 4x4 Wardrobe.

Now see whether you already own two more bottoms and two more tops in the same or a complementary base color.  I own the group of four I've already described.  I also own another group of four:  black jeans, dark wash denim jeans, a black and white patterned top, and a denim jacket.  I can combine the second four items into four more outfits, PLUS I can mix and match both sets of four into even more combinations.

• black jeans + patterned shirt
• black jeans + striped shirt
• black jeans + patterned shirt + cardigan
• black jeans + striped shirt + cardigan
• black jeans + patterned shirt + denim jacket
• black jeans + striped shirt + denim jacket....

You get the idea.  There are actually 24 ways to wear these 8 items.  But there's still not much color in my wardrobe, and those two tops are being seriously over-used.

That's why the next four pieces in your 4x4 Wardrobe are all tops.  They can be all different colors, if you want.  They all simply need to look good with your base color(s).  My four tops all have subtle tone-on-tone patterns, but each is a different color:  periwinkle blue, rosy orange, mossy green, purple.

Once this third group of four pieces is added to the first two groups, all 12 pieces mix and match into 72 outfits.  Wow!

To recap, I've chosen twelve pieces of clothing in three groups of four.  I have black trousers, a black skirt, black jeans, and dark wash jeans.  I have a black draped cardigan and a denim jacket.  I have two different black and white tops and four tops in other colors.

Of course, I also own shoes.  Mine are all black:  heels, loafers, sandals, demi boots.  I have one black belt and one black handbag.  I wear one necklace and my wedding ring every day, but you might choose to own more jewelry or even a few scarves to embellish your outfits.

If you work in a nice office, you may need a career 4x4 wardrobe and a leisure 4x4 wardrobe.  Follow the guidelines I've described.  If you live with weather extremes, you might need a different wardrobe for each season (or at least for fall/winter and spring/summer).  You'd still have a curated selection on any given day, even though you'd own more clothing.

I haven't forgotten the Final Four!  So far we've only discussed a 4x3 Wardrobe, which really might be adequate (I'm doing a 30 day challenge with only 10 pieces, after all).  These final pieces are for fun and/or practicality.  So you can add whatever you want, love, and will use (of course, they must mix and match with the first three groups of four).  For summer, I've added a black and white dress, denim capris, a teal/aqua shirt, and a black tank top.  In the winter, I like to have a couple of black silk turtlenecks for layering, an extra pair of denim jeans, and a multi-hued crocheted shawl (of course I have a coat and rainboots too).

The 4x4 Wardrobe is a fantastic tool for creating a minimalist closet.  It can help you buy less clothing that you love and wear more often and with greater ease.

• First Four:  two bottoms, two tops (perhaps including a cardigan or jacket) in a favorite neutral color
• Second Four:  two bottoms, two tops in the same or a coordinating neutral color
• Third Four:  four tops (your chance to add more color and style)
• Final Four:  additional items you need or want to extend the versatility of your wardrobe

P.S.  Thank you to Janice at The Vivienne Files for the general idea of the 4x4 Wardrobe.

Photo by Hailey Moeller on Unsplash