On Winning, Losing, and Moving On

Did you watch any of the Milano Cortina Winter Olympics?  I've always loved watching the figure skating and ice dancing.  My son gets a kick out of curling.  My grandsons were excited by the snowboarding.  My husband enjoys hockey, especially this year when he had a distant connection to the team.  The daughter of a lifelong friend of one of Jon's colleagues skated for the U.S.  Forward Abbey Murphy won the gold medal along with her teammates in a tense overtime match against Canada.  Congratulations!

Isn't it great to witness those incredible performances, the feats of strength, agility, endurance, and mental fortitude?  No matter who wins, it's moving to realize what that athlete has accomplished, and what every athlete who has participated in the Games has achieved.  How often do you get to witness such joy and fulfillment?

What comes next?

But once you've reached to top of your game, what comes next?  How does anyone, world class athlete or not, deal with the loss of identity that comes after achieving an all-consuming goal?  Striving toward a goal is often not just part of our identity, it is our identity.  And once the task is accomplished, it can be a little terrifying, because now what?

For an Olympic athlete, most of their life has revolved around their sport.  To become as accomplished as they have, that sport has to be just about all they really care about.

Even their family may have put everything else on the back burner in order to support that elite competitor.  This is true even if a young athlete doesn't make it to a national or Olympic team.  One of my nephews attended the University of Southern California on a volleyball scholarship, and volleyball was the center of his and his family's life from about age 8.  One of his college teammates won bronze with the 2016 Olympic team at Rio de Janeiro, but Chris didn't get that far.  Still, intense commitment and sacrifice went into his volleyball career.

I suppose we think that once an Olympic athlete wins a medal, everything in her life will be perfect from then on.  Or that once someone summits Mount Everest, everything else will go smoothly for him.  Maybe you tell yourself everything will be rosy

• once you earn your university degree
• once your business is a success
• once you publish your book
• once you land that coveted job
• once you get that starring role

Even if you succeed at your goal, there will come a time when that achievement is in the past.  You will no longer be basking in the glow of victory.  In fact, someone else may come along and outdo your accomplishment.

And what if you don't succeed?  What about those athletes who finish fourth, fifth, or eighth, like American "Quad God" Ilia Malinin?  They're still great athletes, but they might feel like failures.  Especially in our society, which treats silver medal winners like losers, that attitude negates every bit of hard work, talent, discipline, dedication, learning, practice, long hours, triumph over errors, and everything else that has gone into that person's performance.

And when the "loser" is ourselves, we may feel like all of the effort and sacrifice was for nothing.

How we limit ourselves

One reason it can be hard to move on from any success is because we like feeling that we know what we're doing.  Of course we do!  We like feeling that we have control, at least in one area.  And if we wind up being better at something than most of the people around us, we make that activity our focus.  It makes us feel valuable, worthy, special.  This is how we define our passion and find our place in the world.

That's how I became a musician, specifically a singer.  Being an operatic soprano was essential to my self-image for many years.

This behavior isn't bad, but it can be limiting.  As we continue to cling to that feeling of knowing what we're doing – even basing our self-image and self-respect upon our competence in one area – we become afraid to change the status quo, because that creates the risk of failure.  Fear of messing up keeps us in place, unwilling to explore new possibilities.  We want certainty, and without it, we may be stuck.

In fact, we could be prevented from new achievements because of what we already know and feel comfortable with.

We are held back from creating the life we want, from our highest purpose, from our greatest growth and learning, by what we know....  Obliterate what you know, to make room for what you might learn.

Leo Babauta

The challenge is to return to where we were as children, when everything was new.  When we were children, everything had to be figured out, practiced, and slowly mastered.  We had to find mentors and ask questions.  We had to grow past our incompetence.

This is a humbling process, especially if we've been used to a high level of success.  We may not have much patience.  We may be very quick to point out our own errors and miscalculations.  We don't give ourselves much room to experiment and grow.

How can we change that?

5 tips for doing something new

1.  Let yourself grieve.

Most of us need to feel sadness for what's over before we can move ahead.

It's normal to feel a letdown after completing a big goal, whether it's winning a tournament, seeing your child off to university, or retiring from your career.  And the nostalgia isn't only for that final climactic day, but for all of the years that led to it.  Yes, you made sacrifices in order to achieve your goal, but you also developed camaraderie with those who worked with you.  You gained skills and confidence, had the satisfaction of knowing you excelled at something, and basked in the support and accolades that came your way.

No wonder we're tempted to keep awards, certificates, photographs, and other evidence of our years of hard work and dedication.  It's a way to relive those glory days.  But keeping too much of that stuff might strengthen the feeling that all of your good times are in the past.  These relics can become a dusty monument to who you used to be, and keep you from moving on.

2.  Imagine.

If you were going to remake yourself and your image, what would you choose?  Maybe you'd go from being a regional opera performer and oratorio soloist to a blogger and author with a worldwide audience (like me).  Maybe you'd like to try becoming a top real estate agent, a personal trainer, a restaurateur, a fashion designer, or a professional home declutterer and organizer.  What would you do if you didn't fear failure?

Cultivate a growth mindset that will let you take on a new challenge with excitement, hope, and the belief that with effort and experience you can succeed at something new.

3.  Start small.

Remember that instead of being top dog in what you did before, you're back at the beginning, learning something new.  That can test your patience and confidence.  You may expect too much of yourself at first, because you're used to a high level of success.

You're also accustomed to a certain kind of structure – the schedule and activities that led to your first achievement.  Once you move on to another phase of life, you may feel a bit lost because that framework and consistency is gone.  You must once again figure out how to proceed.

So begin your learning process with something small.  For example, prepare a new recipe.  Sign up for an art class at the community center.  Enter that 5K race.  If you don't usually take leadership roles, volunteer to head a committee or make a presentation.  Step outside your comfort zone, even if it's just a little bit.

Even if you're not moving on to something completely new, but are recovering from a setback, give yourself some grace.  In the past, when I've had to take a month or more off singing because of my asthma, I began again with fundamentals – easy warmups that gradually became longer and more difficult.

4.  Create freedom.

It's much harder to sail into the unknown if you're towing a load of debt or a houseful of clutter behind you.

• Take the first steps toward living with less.
• Resist buying stuff you don't need.
• Make a plan to pay off debt.
• Begin new habits that will get you to your ultimate goal.

Finally, reconsider keeping all the stuff you amassed along the way to victory.  One or two keepsakes can find a place of honor in your home, drawing attention because they're unique and creating opportunity for you to tell your story.  But leave room for all of the good things to come.

5.  Experiment.

Learning is a complex activity, and making mistakes goes with the territory.  Instead of fearing your errors, view them as opportunities to exercise your intelligence and determination.  After all, the most brilliant people know that they don't know everything.  They're the ones who ask questions and conduct experiments.

The true test of intelligence is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do.

John Holt

Recover from winning (or losing)

There are a million excuses for avoiding change, because change is hard.  But the resilience you gain and the new horizons that open up will be worth it.

Related article:  You Are Enough