What is Minimalist Gift-Giving, and How Does It Express Your Love?

Have you heard of the Five Love Languages?  It's a concept that's been around for more than 30 years, ever since pastor and marriage counselor Gary Chapman wrote a book about it.

I'm not going to debunk the idea, since many people have found that it helps them understand and relate to their loved ones.  I do think it's important to note that all of us give and receive love in multiple ways.  Maybe the important takeaway from the Five Love Languages concept is that love is expressed by spending time and paying attention, saying kind and uplifting words, sharing physical closeness, performing acts of service, and – sometimes – giving appropriate gifts.

Love is not a transaction.

What I have a problem with is the assertion that, for some people, giving and receiving gifts is the main or only way they can express love or feel loved.  I think that idea is ridiculous, and demonstrably untrue.  How many of us have known someone whose parents always showered them with gifts, yet didn't spend time with them, listen to them, encourage them, or even hug them?  And how many of those children absolutely did not feel loved, no matter how many toys and goodies they were given?

"Here's this expensive thing I bought you – now don't say I never did anything for you."  Nope.  This does not communicate love.

The Minimalists, Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus, express it this way:

Gift-giving is not a love language any more than Pig Latin is a Romance language.  Obligatory gift-giving is a pernicious cultural imperative....  The grotesque idea that we can somehow commodify love is nauseating.

Strong language, indeed.  But you know what?  The diamond engagement ring my husband gave me might have been a symbol of his love, but his real love has been shown by the devotion, kindness, trust, understanding, support, laughter, conversation, forgiving and being forgiven of the past 41 years.  The diamond is nothing in comparison.

Gift-giving is, at bottom, a transaction.  Love isn't a transaction.  It transcends that.  Love requires empathy and self-sacrifice.  It doesn't expect anything in return.  If you only feel valued by someone if they buy and give you a gift, you're missing out on something deeper and more real.

Love is a verb.

Love is an action, and I don't mean the action of tramping through stores looking for something to buy, plunking down cash or a credit card, and taking the thing home so you can wrap it up and give it to someone on a day that everyone has decided requires an exchange of gifts.  Yes, I know the Magi brought gifts to the infant Jesus.  That's because they were acknowledging Him as a King whose birth was heralded by the astronomical phenomenon they were following.  We aren't kings or Magi, and we're not celebrating our own birthdays at Christmas.

No, if we want to show love for others, we must do it by our actions.  Spending time, paying attention, giving encouragement, serving, offering a comforting shoulder or a helping hand – those are the actions of love, and we should do them every day.

Gifting experiences instead of stuff is a better choice.  How much more memorable do you think your holidays will be if you give experiences instead of physical gifts?  How much will you strengthen the bonds between you and the people you care about?  You could get tickets to a special event and attend together.  You could share a home-cooked or a restaurant meal together.  A walk or hike in a beautiful place, an evening of star gazing, a foot or neck massage, or a long conversation lets you spend time caring for and enjoying each other.  Or how about some books (or these, if you have the first set) you can read aloud together as a family?*

If you give physical gifts, let them be things that facilitate togetherness, like a board game, croquet set, picnic basket, camping equipment, etc.  A sincere handwritten letter, a photo book celebrating the fun times you've shared, or an inspiration/happy memories jar could become a cherished souvenir of your relationship.

St. Francis was right:  "It is in giving that we receive."  Instead of gifts, you can ask people to donate to your favorite charity in your name.  Wouldn't that feel better than another tie, piece of jewelry, or something you have to dust?  In the same way, you could give to World Vision, Habitat for Humanity, or an arts organization or other charity your recipient cares about.  In my experience, people are really happy to hear about such a gift.

* Ironically, since this blog has no ads, I rely on your purchases.  If you use my links, I may earn a small commission.

This is an idea whose time has come.

When you ask people what they got for gifts last holiday season, most can't remember even one.  But when you invest in life experiences, you make lasting memories.  Most of us don't need more stuff, but we can always use more time together.  The best present is your presence.

I always appreciate your gifts of "coffee," which also support my work.  Thank you.