8 Sentences that Help Make You Happier in a World That's Got It Wrong

Our culture has the wrong idea about happiness.  It seems to say that happiness comes from success – financial, professional, etc.  Achieving more money, more possessions, more travel, a promotion, an athletic record, or even a high GPA or SAT score is supposed to make us happy and satisfied.  Yet more often, meeting one goal seems to spawn two or three more, and we never stop chasing the next high.

There's been a lot of research on happiness, especially in the past 20 to 30 years, and what we've learned is that reaching the typical milestones of success doesn't make us happy, at least not for long.  The new house or car, the big raise, even getting into the college of our dreams doesn't make much difference in our overall level of happiness, and can sometimes make us less happy – for example, if the extra costs of a larger house or fancier vehicle outweigh the enjoyment they give, if a promotion makes our work days longer and more stressful, or if the hyper-competitiveness of an elite school challenges our self-esteem.

So what does make a difference?  The consensus seems to be that our relationships are the most important factor.  There's just no substitute.

"Happiness is love."

A famous Harvard study that followed graduates of the years 1939 to 1944 throughout their lives (some of them for over 70 years) found that those who were happiest had close personal relationships.  "Love is happiness," said the study's lead psychologist, Dr. George Vaillant.  "Happiness is love.  Full stop."

In other words, anything that substitutes for human relationships in your life is a bad trade.  If you crowd out relationships with work, politics, social media, material consumption, or anything else, you'll pay the price with your happiness.  Yet we live in a world that makes it difficult to invest time learning how to build healthy, supportive relationships, and then pushes us to put work and other responsibilities ahead of the relationships we do have.

One reason that having a hobby or two can be so valuable is that many of those pastimes can facilitate relationships with others who share the same interest.  Outside of my family, some of my longest and happiest relationships are with people I've sung with – members of the choirs I've been in, and cast members in musicals and operas I've performed in.  If you like to read, garden, quilt, dance, hike, or something else, there's probably a club you can join that will both help you gain more knowledge and skill and make friends.  If there's a cause you care about, volunteer.  You can do good where it matters and connect with others who share your convictions.

The power of words

Your words have the power to make someone else feel seen, heard, and loved.  And by creating this happiness for someone else, you ultimately end up experiencing it yourself.

Here are eight sentences to use as often as possible to keep your relationships thriving.

1.  "How are you, really?"

Even in our closest relationships, we may hold back on sharing how we feel, worried about being a burden or an imposition.  So asking this question lets people we care about know that we're interested in hearing the nitty-gritty about how they feel.  It shows we want to go beneath the surface and lend our support.

2.  "I'm grateful for you."

We may think this (and add it to a gratitude journal), but we don't always say it aloud.  I often thank my husband Jon for doing something for me, but I don't often tell him how grateful I am to have him in my life.

It's all too easy to take our most important relationships for granted.  This is a result of something called "hedonic adaptation," in which our brains get used to the good things in our lives.  What helps is to take a few moments and imagine what your life would be like without this person.  It brings a new awareness of how important they are.

Your family and friends contribute to your well-being in different ways.  Make it your mission to notice and tell them how much you value them.

3.  "You're great."

Never underestimate the value of giving a compliment.  Being paid a compliment activates the same part of your brain that receiving money does, and studies show that receiving a compliment can improve performance and help us learn.  Compliments can also affirm and strengthen desired behaviors and improve a social or work environment.

What's more, being in the habit of giving compliments makes you happier too, because you spend more time noticing what you like about someone.  This positive attention strengthens any relationship, especially if you focus on a person's inner qualities, like their patience, kindness, creativity, reliability, or courage.

4.  "I'm sorry."

Don't skip saying this to the people you love the most.  Too often we substitute "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if I said or did something you didn't like."  Neither of those comments admits to anything.  When you say them, you're not expressing remorse – you're showing impatience with your friend's feelings and a desire to end the conversation.

If you want to repair the relationship, you need to say "I'm sorry.  I should have said/done _____ instead.  I'll do it next time."  And then do it!  A true apology admits fault and takes action.  It's what you'd want from someone who wronged you.

Related article:  True Love Means Saying "I'm Sorry"

5.  "I forgive you."

We can be quick to look past the mistakes of an acquaintance, and then be really harsh and critical when someone close to us lets us down.  (I admit, I do this.)  It's important to tap into your compassion and forgive, since all of us fail at some point.  You might also need to recognize that stress, worry, or even simple miscommunication might have caused the person's behavior.

6.  "I believe in you."

Almost everyone is trying to achieve goals that matter to them, and they all face challenges and setbacks.  Words of encouragement can inspire them to persevere.

7.  "What do you need?"

As early as age 7, children start to worry that asking for help will make them appear stupid.  This fear can persist into adulthood.  We'd rather tough it out, or even pretend we know, than appear incompetent.

Help your loved ones by asking what they need.  It can take courage to seek help, but if they feel safe sharing their need with you, that builds trust in your relationship, lets them advocate for themselves, and may even help them devise a solution.

8.  "I love you."

There's nothing better than this simple, straightforward statement.  Every moment of love shared between two people is valuable.  It boosts both people's well-being, relationship satisfaction, and sense of meaning in life.

It's possible to make millions, summit Everest, or win an Oscar and still be lonely, depressed, even addicted – to money, power, adrenaline, porn, drugs, alcohol.  Close relationships are the core of a rich and meaningful life.  Use these eight sentences, and you'll increase your own happiness as well as the happiness of those you care about.