One Question that Could Change Your Life

Rose Lounsbury, a professional organizer, former middle school teacher, and mother of teenage triplets, has a personal definition of simplicity that I really like:

Simplicity is getting very clear about what you want, and then having the guts to let go of everything else.

Back in 1994, when I decided that instead of sending my daughter to kindergarten, I wanted to homeschool her until she was a confident, independent reader, my desire was for our family to be able to live comfortably on my husband's salary while I took a few years away from my own career. 

(At the time, I only planned to homeschool until my younger child was ready to start 4th grade.  Little did I know how much we would love and benefit from independent learning!  I wound up homeschooling my two kids until they went to college – a total of 14 years.)

To do that, I (a long-time overachiever) had to have the guts to leave my job.  (I needed my husband's support too.  Thank you, Jon.)  I had to have the guts to let go of my car and work out a way for us to share one vehicle.  I had to have the guts to figure out how to get us out of debt, which implied that I needed to cook at home more often (not my favorite activity) and stop decorating and redecorating my house (something I was addicted to).  And I had to have the guts to stop believing we needed a bigger house.  (Our starter home had just over 1100 square feet.)

These were the things that would make it possible for me to stop working for a salary, and they were not going to be achieved overnight or without hard work and sacrifice.  But I thought the choice was worth it.  (I still do.)

Asking questions

My guidebook at this time was Elaine St. James' Simplify Your Life,* newly published and taking the world by storm.  (A lot of 80s yuppies were burned out, and Oprah liked her.)  #1 of the 100 Ways to Slow Down and Enjoy the Things That Really Matter is "Reduce the clutter in your life."  St. James' guideline is "If you haven't used it in a year or more, get rid of it."

* As an Amazon Associate, I may earn a small commission if you purchase through my links.

I found that to be a good starting point, but as time went on it didn't seem to go far enough.  For example, had I used all our Christmas decorations within a 12-month period?  Of course.  But did I want so many Christmas decorations that it took an entire day to put them all up, and another to take them all down again?  That's what I needed to figure out.

When I started considering things in my kitchen, I could say that yes, I had used my apple corer, garlic press, spaghetti measurer, and heart-shaped ceramic measuring cups within the past year.  But did I need to?  Weren't they all kind of a pain to store and clean, and couldn't I do just as well with a decent knife and my regular measuring cups?

I was used to asking "Can I afford this?"  I was adept at finding sales and deals, getting our credit cards almost but not quite maxed out, and spending every penny we earned.

I was also used to asking, "How much can I fit in here?"  I used every spare inch to cram in more storage bins, and Jon is a master Jenga player with boxes, bags, and containers of all sorts.

And finally, as I sorted and tried to put away papers, books, toys, clothes, shoes, craft supplies, and more, I always asked "How can I organize this better?"  Because, of course, organizing was key.  Organizing was the answer.  If I could just get the right bins, labels, and systems, I'd have the tidy, spacious home of my dreams and still get to keep all of my stuff.  Right?

But there was one question I hadn't asked, and without it I kept getting bogged down.  I'd declutter a few things, but then I'd go out and buy more, so things never seemed to get any less crowded, and I was still spending too much money every month.

A better question

Some people dismiss the possibility of minimalism because they don't want to live like a monk, a college student backpacking through Asia, or an ultra-cool hipster in a mostly empty, all-white loft.

But minimalism is simply the realization that a life pared to the essentials leaves you with room, time, energy, and money for whatever you believe to be important – while freeing you from things that crowd and frustrate you, or leave you too busy, too tired, or too overspent to do what you'd really like to do.

While ads and social media tell you what to buy and who you're supposed to be, minimalism helps you step away from that to build a deeper, more purposeful, and more contented life.  And while this will require you to be thoughtful, intentional, and counter-cultural, it doesn't include hard-and-fast rules.  Minimalism for you won't be exactly like the choices that are right for me.

So when I finally hit on a better question – the one question – to ask, it came as a revelation.

How many _____ do I need?

The question isn't "How much can I afford?  It isn't "How much can I cram in?"  And it definitely isn't "How can I organize this stuff (or my life) better so I can keep (or keep doing) it all?"

Retailers, advertisers, and lifestyle magazines may tell you that you need tableware for every season, an artful gallery wall, and seven designer throw pillows on your sofa.  Fashion mags and celebrity watchers may say you need to follow the trends and wear a different outfit every day of the month.  All the parents you know may be frantic about getting their child the right clothes, toys, tutors, and activities.

But what do you need?

How many towels do you need?  How many sets of sheets?  (Parents of young children obviously need more than I do.)  How many spatulas or cooking spoons or clocks or coats or chairs?

You might decide your dishwasher only holds about eight plates, bowls, cups, mugs, and place settings of silverware, so you really don't need to own more than that.  You might decide that you love to bake and decorate cakes for all occasions, so you need all the gear for doing that, but that you almost never cook with more than a 3-quart saucepan, a 12-inch skillet, and a large crock pot.  That's all you need.

You might have 20 pairs of pants in your closet, but if you find yourself continually reaching for the same four or five pairs, that may be all you need.

You might notice that your children often play with the same few toys, and that they get upset when those items are "lost" (that is, hard to find amidst all the other toys crowding their play area).  Box up the other toys, and only bring something back if your child specifically asks for it.  After a month or two you may realize that what they have is what they need, and donate the rest.

Life-changing truths

When I asked, "What do I need?"  I identified the minimum standard that was right for me and my family.  Once I did that, I discovered three truths that changed my life:

• I can live with a lot less than I thought I could.
• I can definitely live with a lot less than society tells me I should.
• I have plenty for my needs, and I'm grateful.

There were still a few things that I wanted, even if they weren't strictly necessary.  But now, instead of being constantly tempted to acquire more, I had good reason to believe I already lived with abundance.

So I kept asking "How many _____ do I need?"  Jeans, shoes, mugs, throw pillows, boxes of holiday décor.  And gradually, my home changed.  Then I asked about volunteer commitments and activities for the kids.  Today I ask about phone apps and streaming services.

It took time, but in the end, our home, schedule, and finances were transformed.  Decluttering made space in our closets, calendar, and bank account.  I not only had time and energy to homeschool, but I was able to return to arranging music, directing choirs, and singing professionally.  The question of what we needed wasn't just about clearing out the extras and making home more manageable.

It was about making space in our lives to do what we were meant to do.

Rose Lounsbury reminds us:

Open space gives us the ability to think and dream.  And when we start to think and dream, all of the possibilities, especially the ones we can't see when our lives and minds are cluttered, begin to open up.

Yes, minimalism usually involves decluttering and living with less, but the purpose is to gain clarity about what you want to do with your one wild and precious life.  "How many _____ do I need" is the life-changing question that helps you get that clarity.

And if you decide to go with the simplicity of just one handbag or three pairs of perfectly-fitting jeans so that you can spend more time and money on travel, theater tickets, or early retirement, good for you.

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