Why Sorrow is as Important as Joy

I like happiness.  I like to feel it, and I like to write about it.*  You probably like to read about it, too. 

But sadness is a fact of life.  I happens to all of us, sometimes in small ways, and sometimes in heart-breaking, life-changing ways.  And this is a problem not just because of the awful events themselves, but because most of us have almost no idea how to handle our feelings about them.

* This blog is supported by readers, not by ads.  If you make a purchase through my links, I may earn a small commission.

Reacting to sadness

Many of us are so dedicated to the pursuit of happiness that we almost develop a phobia about feeling sad.  One of my friends became a widow last November, and every time I speak to her about her husband (who I sang with for over 20 years) and how she's coping, she can't wait to change the subject.  She's "fine."  She's "adjusting."  She's "trying to be happy."

I get it.  I'm prone to look for the silver lining myself.  I've often counseled others to look for small pleasures and tiny joys no matter what the situation.  After all, even the Bible exhorts us to think about "whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things."  (Philippians 4:8)  It counsels us to "rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you...."  (I Thessalonians 5:16-18)

But sometimes we're supposed to be sad.  Sadness is an appropriate response to a loss.  Sorrow is normal when bad things happen.

In a world where there are wars and tyrants and disease and disaster, it's understandable that we feel appalled, worried, and – yes – sad.  We need to recognize these emotions and, if necessary, give ourselves permission to feel and process them.

When our younger child came out as transgender in early 2014, my husband and I were blindsided.  The pain, confusion, and hopelessness almost sank both of us.  To be honest, my first feeling was that the daughter I had raised had died.  I mourned her.

In moments of clarity, I realized that I could be happy that I still had my child.  Given time, I was able to realize that he was still the smart, earnest, funny, loyal person he had always been.  I didn't have to force myself to feel joyful in order to accept what was happening, educate myself about the transition process, and strengthen my relationship with my son.

Time passed.  We took two steps forward and one step back as we made our way through the process.  We experienced sadness, fear, and frustration.  Pretending we didn't feel what we felt wouldn't have helped anyone.

But it's scary to feel sad.

The goodness of sadness

Perhaps we've developed a narrow definition of happiness – a definition that means never being sad or enduring hardship.  But this is a definition that does all of us a disservice.

"Many people nowadays assume that if they're not happy, they must be depressed," says Peg O'Connor, chair of the Department of Philosophy at Gustavus Adolphus College in Minnesota.  She continues,

But life isn't like that....  As Aristotle says, happiness is an ongoing activity; it doesn't mean that you're never unhappy or that hard things haven't happened.  Life is hard and there are challenges – but that doesn't mean you can't have a good life.

It's important to distinguish between sadness and depression, which is a chronic mental illness requiring professional help.  Sadness, on the other hand, has a good side.

Accepting sadness and allowing ourselves to feel it might seem like something to avoid, but that may only make the situation worse.  In fact, studies show that if we try to avoid or deny sadness, we may limit our capacity to experience other emotions, like joy and happiness.

Harvard social psychologist Daniel Wegner led an experiment in which subjects were told not to think about a white bear.  Guess what happened?  Wegner found that participants thought about a white bear!  Further studies confirmed that thought suppression is futile, and actually causes you to fixate on the ideas you were hoping to prevent.

Oddly, we might be happier if we got better at feeling sad.  Researchers from the University of New South Wales found that accepting and allowing for temporary sadness is good for us.

• Sadness improves our memory and attention to detail.
• It makes us more empathetic and intuitive.
• It increases determination and perseverance.
• It makes us less self-centered and judgmental.
• It promotes generosity.

Wow!  Maybe we all need a little sadness in order to be our best selves.

How to be sad

Author Helen Russell has researched and written a lot about how to be happy.  But in her book How to Be Sad, she insists that sadness can be a source of eventual happiness.  How does that happen?

1.  Stop fighting it.

In a culture that's all about "the pursuit of happiness," there might be a certain amount of shame at feeling sad.  But it's important to fully feel what you feel.

Did you know that crying actually helps you?  Researchers at the University of Kassel in Germany found that criers experience fewer "negative aggressive feelings" such as rage and disgust compared to people who don't cry (or don't let themselves cry).  Criers may also make stronger emotional connections with other people.  And even though many boys are taught not to cry, a study from Indiana University, Bloomington found that American football players who cried reported higher levels of self-esteem and fewer concerns about peer pressure than those who refrained from crying.

According to Ad Vingerhoets, the so-called "Tear Professor" from Tilburg University in the Netherlands, crying relieves stress.

We now know that crying is something all humans are programmed to do and that tears serve a purpose.  Cortisol levels decrease in those who cry, since expressing sadness soothes us.

2.  Seek comfort.

There are unhealthy ways to comfort yourself (eat sugary carbs, drink alcohol, go shopping), and there are healthy ways to find comfort (talk to someone who will listen without trying to "fix" you, go for a walk, pray, hydrate, sleep).  Positive comfort methods strengthen your connections to others, your understanding of yourself, and your healthy self-care.

3.  Be open to change.

You may want to "take control" of what has happened, even if you can't really control it.  But learning all you can about your new situation may help you gain some stability.  Creating an action list may help you choose your next steps.  Expecting to learn and adapt may help you do so.

4.  Do something for someone else.

If you let your sadness draw you inward, so that you're only able to focus on how bereft you feel, you may suffer longer.  Studies show that doing volunteer work makes us feel better.  It connects us to others and strengthens relationships.  This in turn relieves stress.  Helping another person provides a sense of accomplishment, which will boost feelings of self-worth.  It takes your mind off your own worries and provides meaning and purpose, which can improve your outlook on the future.

The good feeling we get through volunteering and generosity is known as "helper's high," and MRI scans show that our brains literally light up, glowing with the pleasure of doing good.  Of course, we should help other people because it's the right thing to do, but the "helper's high" is a wonderful bonus.

Finding beauty in endings

We experience sorrow because all the people and situations we love will eventually end.  However, endings remind us to appreciate things while we have them.  Things are more beautiful because we know they won't last forever.  As author Leo Babauta says:

Endings are necessary for beauty.  Limits are beauty.  And limits provide a moment of reinvention.  We are forced to reinvent our lives when someone or something dies, and this reinvention is an opportunity, which is beautiful.

The impermanence of life makes sadness inevitable, but it also means that sadness itself is temporary.  "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."  (Psalm 30:5)